My frustrations, disappointments and downfall

It's haunting me. I have to get it out. I guess this would be THE way to help me overcome this.

We could have won. Let me rephrase that. We SHOULD HAVE WON. What the heck. The Gold medal should be OURS. I'm not being a sore loser here. But hello, they didn't win it fair and square. I REALLY hope they feel guilty for the REST of their LIFE. I'm not usually so aggressive in directing such crude remarks, but I'm feeling damn disappointed here.

Yes, maybe I should have been more aggressive with the line call when I'm not sure. I should not have let my partner affect me since I know that she doesn't have any tournament experience. But what the hell, I'm fighting the battle alone. ALONE.
Why?
Because I have to fight 2 opponents across the net, I have to fight against myself, control myself not to bash the ball really hard even though I really want to do that to EVERY SINGLE DAMN BALL, fight against myself to control my patience to wait for the perfect ball to end the shot and win the damn point, fight against my will to scold my partner for every bad shot she made, fight the will to keep nagging and reminding her to keep the ball in rather than bash the ball, but she still doesn't trust me and still not enough patience to wait for a perfect ball to execute the shot.
And when we lose a point, I have another additional thing to fight for. Win another 2 more points so I can cover the loss.

MY GAWD. I'm like mentally and physically exhausted. Like really 200% mentally exhausted. I think I used up all my brain juices just to fight the mental battle. I've to hold myself back all the time, just waiting. Waiting and hoping they stop attacking my partner and hope that they hit an accidental shot to me so I can end the stupid point. I don't think I have done my best. I really don't. Even though outsiders like my advisor, Stanley, my coach and Robz watched the match, they keep saying that they saw how hard I have tried and it's alright. BUT IT'S NOT. It is so NOT! I know I could have done better, I really really regret 1 shot. Which was the short ball at the net, it was a SITTING DUCK!! And I overdrived it and hit out when I could have aim the TP girl standing directly infront of me at the net. I was probably thinking too much about ending the point. I know.... normal humans make mistakes. Even the pros have unforced errors. But hello! It was an extremely important point! It was during tiebreak somemore. Oh gawd. I don't think i can forgive myself for making that stupid mistake. I know i have made mistakes during the match, but i really gave it all during really important points like break points and holding on to my serice game and hopefully my partner's service game. I tried to break the opponents early and gain points.....

Robz told me i did my best. Stanley told me it was a waste to partner my partner. Gopi said it's alright, we did our best on court. But i refuse to take it in. I could have done so much better. What was i thinking on court at that time?! I really don't know why I held back myself during some many points when I could have gone for it, hit a winner and end it fast. The opponents were tired, made them run for their lives for the ever so high lobs of ours, won a few important points to stay in the match. Truthfully, I was really disappointed in myself for not telling my partner off during the important points. I didn't know if I really told her off, what effect would it have on her. Would she would mentally affected? And instead lose the point? When she said she wanted to go for it at matchpoint, I said nono!!! Just keep the stupid ball in, but she kept mumbling- I'll go for it, no more mercy. I kept saying nono!!! But the opponent was already ready to serve and too late, she drived the ball into the net.
My heart dropped.
All my efforts. Gone down the drain.
I fought back from 2-5 down to 6-8 down to 8-8 tiebreak. Oh GAWD. My efforts. Ruined by miscommunication.

I don't want to push the blame to my partner. Because doubles is based on communication and chemistry between the 2 partners. So i admit that i AM at fault for not scolding her for the mistakes she made. Well duh, cuz i don't really know her mental state at that point, she's also very defensive about her game. I don't know if once I tell her her, would she have a mental breakdown? Wouldn't that be much worse? I don't know?! Now it's a 'IF ONLY' situation. If only I had done this, would that have happened? If only I had done that, would this have happen? I hate to regret!! I REALLY HATE TO REGRET!!!!

Was collecting my silver medal just now. My mood was totally terrible. I have neglected my kare. Broke down after taking photos with everyone. Really sorry to everybody about my behavior. But my frustrations were haunting me. Nightmares, thinking about it every night since the defeat, stoning about my mistakes. I really regret that i didn't try hard enough.

Really sorry to kare. Hope u'll forgive me and understand my behavior. Raelly under alot of stress. The stress may have been unnecessary placed on me by myself, but i really feel i'm at fault too. I could have done much better.